Source: Pixaby
I have in fact been pondering this on a personal level for some time now. I needed to accept with grace that I am firmly into my own Midlife! Now, you could argue that as a Coach specifically supporting ’Midlifes’ I should be immune and less conscious of the thoughts, feelings and emotions and its foibles of this time in life in order to help others. News flash I’m not immune to negative thoughts, highly charged emotions and anxieties of life. Actually, that is the very reason I do what I do. I am experiencing it first hand and can relate with much of it. And that’s why I really came to write this article. I hope it offers some useful and pertinent thoughts and a brief summary of what I see and feel of Midlife ‘Warts ‘n’ All’. You may think I dwell on some of the down sides initially, but I believe we need to keep perspective and a healthy balance so bear with me. You will find some great positives too and that is what Midlife is about. This is really more about an appreciation that at this point in life, balance is not just acceptable but necessary in all things.
When someone uses the term ‘Midlife’ or makes reference to being a ‘Midlifer’, what does that conjure up in your mind and what emotion do you feel?
Regardless of whether someone goes willingly into Midlife or is pulled kicking and screaming toward it by the natural passage of time, we all view this transition differently. It is fair to say that some manner of midlife ‘change’ is inevitable, however we choose to embrace or renounce it. So, do you approach Midlife positively with a sense of happiness, acceptance and anticipation or with more a sense of sadness, frustration, dread or anxiety? I’m guessing it depends on how well prepared and equipped you feel to deal with what is to come without really knowing what to expect. Often there is a sense of anticipation, perhaps disbelief and even denial. However, the fact remains when it comes, Midlife is a natural progression, and we are rarely prepared for it.
There are unfortunately definite issues that come along with this time of our lives we can’t just ignore. Undoubtedly these affect us profoundly, so let’s take a few moments to acknowledge the reality and give this time of life some consideration, celebration and much needed breathing space.
Midlife is defined as ‘the central period of a person’s life, between around 45 and 60 years old.’ (Webster Dictionary). It is a time for challenges and crossroads, and historically it has been accepted as between ages 40 to 62. This age band is no longer so rigid or even relevant because it is incredibly fluid these days. And we all experience age differently mentally and physically.
Harvard Business Review suggests ‘As life expectancy increases, changes in middle age become an existential necessity for many people and midlife remains a very difficult period. One for which people are, on the whole, lamentably ill prepared’.
The thing is, you don’t just wake up one morning and think, How the hell did that happen? Although sometimes it can feel like that! Instead, almost imperceptibly over a period of time you feel things have shifted. It’s like a balance or scale increasingly weighted on one side, that suddenly hits the midpoint and starts to tip the other way. From here you think, feel and start to experience life differently and as it gathers pace it can feel like ‘freefall’ and potentially overwhelming for many people.
You find there becomes a need to come to terms with changes that are happening to you physically, emotionally, and psychologically that you took for granted when you were younger. There is a tangible sense of ‘loss’ somehow because you don’t feel as strong, flexible and able as you did in your 20’s,30’s and 40’s. You feel impaired and less able to do what you used to do. You look, think and feel different and yet still cling to the younger part of you that’s still there wanting to do stuff. You never considered at some point you would start to lose some of the personal abilities and resources you have relied upon all your adult life and suddenly things seem just tougher and harder work than you recall.
There are more emotional challenges, aches and pains, physical changes that leave you feeling more compromised. You start to realise wow! people weren’t joking when they said, ‘they went upstairs and forgot what went there for’ because you have started to do that too. Or maybe you reach for your Ipad/laptop and can’t remember what you were searching for! Frankly I get that a lot! And there you are that person is now you! So, it can be a scary time because fundamental aspects of your life start to feel less within your control and the firm footing you once had feels a little less stable under foot just now.
These thoughts can trigger stresses and anxious thoughts, frustrations, feeling stuck because between the ages of 40 to 62, most will begin to feel some concerns they haven’t needed to consider before.
When it comes to life changes in Midlife, we do have to at least acknowledge and consider some of these aspects, even if we choose not to dwell on them too much. That way once we shine a light on what they are, we can begin to identify how to create more choice in managing how we overcome them.
So, there are many challenges, and we feel them individually, uniquely and deeply. However, I feel I should say here that these are all perfectly normal emotions. We all feel them, and I haven’t worked with a Midlifer yet that hasn’t experienced to some degree these thoughts, feelings or emotions in one form or other, as have I. It’s perfectly normal to feel those things because we are not superhuman, we are simply human! and for many, this is where coaching really helps to provide support, gain clarity, focus, and perspective for working these challenges through and creating more choices in order to craft the next phase of life for ourselves.
I want to shift now to a much more optimistic space because honestly, I think Midlife is also an exciting and rejuvenating time. It is a time when people do have the ability and opportunity to take time to reflect, explore their lives and re-examine even their most basic assumptions in order to look at new possibilities and perspectives they may not have looked for before. It can also be a time to get to know yourself and believe you have it within yourself to have even more influence and control over your own life.
Developmental psychologists differentiate between ‘midlife crisis’ and ‘midlife transition’.
It is suggested that in a ‘Midlife Crisis’ people contemplate their lives in a way that makes them appear irrational and they may act out of character. They might do unpredictable and even seemingly random things. On the other hand, within a ‘Midlife transition’, a person is able to align themselves with and embrace their true self more and focus on the next stage of life in a healthier more positive way.
I dislike the term ‘Midlife Crisis’ because, for me, I see the term as a ‘negative label’ for a part of life where you are really just adjusting to new circumstances and going through change. We know that ‘Change’ happens all the time, and in many forms. It can be complex, uncertain, and unpredictable. So yes, it can create varying levels of understandable uncertainty and stress, as we seek to work through it. But if we label it with negativity, we create something solid and limiting instead of ‘freeing and enabling’. In calling it a ‘Crisis’, people can be self-fulfilling and feel they ought to go through it as an inevitable troubling and stressful aspect of their life. We almost create a dark, confusing, ‘midlife tunnel’ that must be passed through that leads to the ‘other side’ of life! It might then become a stressful and anxiety provoking period in our lives that heralds the end and that most certainly need not be the case.
Every life stage has its stressors, as babies become children, children become adolescents, adolescents become young adults. At every stage in life there is transition. Many view mid-life as just getting older.
In reality, this time is much more positive. It is an opportunity for growth, self-expression self-development, and renewal. Moving towards focusing more on ourselves or our relationships and partnerships. We look at new goals, new challenges, creating new identities for ourselves. It has colour and form and can be rich and rewarding. It can be as limitless as one wishes it to be and as fulfilling as ‘Recreating your very identity’ if you choose it to be. And it all starts with accepting and befriending who and what you are right now and being ‘OK’ with that, then moving forwards. Someone once said to me “if you want to get there, I wouldn’t have started from here”. But if not here and now, then where and when?
If the negative terminology of ‘Midlife Crisis’ is to create anything positive, it should instead be the intention of acting as a catalyst for personal reflection and change and a springboard with which to evaluate our current situation and reset the course for the next phase of our lives.
This is where ‘Midlife’ coaching becomes such as powerful, positive, and energising experience. It supports and enables people to appreciate their past and to bring the useful parts of their experience into their current and future life. To embrace their time served skills, knowledge and attributes and enable them to use all those resources to transition towards who and what they truly want to be for the next stage of their life.
When we look at Midlife as a time of personal growth, the experience can be greatly beneficial and rewarding equally for ourselves and those around us. If it is seen as a period of both transition and transformation, where you can take personal control, it becomes so much more. It translates into a developmental experience of self-awareness and a journey of ‘Becoming’. We remove the barriers and move forwards with renewed vigour, motivation and determination to embrace life ready for whatever comes next and there can be so much more to come!
And, if you are in your Midlife, I really hope you embrace it and ‘Live the hell out of it’ I certainly intend to!
If aspects of this article resonate and you feel any of these:
Coaching will offer you the chance to explore becoming a better version of yourself, open the door to opportunities to fulfil your ambitions and dreams or merely to be in the best mind set possible for new challenges in work and life.
If you would like to talk about that then make a connection with me [email protected]
Ref: Harvard Business Review:https://hbr.org/2008/02/the-existential-necessity-of-midlife-change
Additional reading: bit.ly/37Vusbi
Be well, and start right now to be your best future you
Caroline X
Enter your email address to receive your copy of my new guide to midlife clarity.
